the hurt i feel is from how unprepared i was and how my vulnerability in that unpreparedness felt under-appreciated and my embarrassment at being unable to say what i need or to ask for what i want and my longing for an experience that rivals my previous ones and my frustration at myself for fumbling a chance. my anxiety is in knowing how replaceable my body is. i am having a hard time reconciling with my body's mutilator. g-d is a surgeon and her knife made me hate the mirror even more. i am objectively horrifying. i startle even myself. to lose being told that i am beautiful hurts so much more than it did when i actually was. shuffle this city until i'm just another joker in your hands. i want what doesn't want me. i can't have what i don't ask for. i can't ask for it if i don't know what i want. also, foods that my cat will fight me for now include "raspberry coconut-milk yogurt."
everyone's birthday, fighting against the wind, t-shirts over long sleeves, someone else's car keys, taking the subway for free, pro wrestling, closer (nine inch nails), fetishization, undelivered packages, boots getting grosser, asleep in the sun
working thru it, slowly getting better at chess, found an anime i like (dorohedoro), teaching myself css, preparing for a summer of outdoor gigs, coco butter on scars, sweating thru everything, biking fast again!!!, allergy meds for my cat, replacing everything i lost in my wallet, new patterned keys, rewatching peacemaker (john cena), working overnights, rolling multiple joints and then carrying them around "just in case", watching sunrises, biking fast again!!!!! (it deserved to be mentioned 2x)