today i helped build puppets!

today i got my PrEP shot and bought a (hopefully) good bike for (relatively) cheap :-)

plans i was excited about got derailed but at least it was partially because of a spontaneous beach trip

today i ran into someone who'd once told me i was their worst ex; it makes sense that someone who treated me the way they did brought out one of the worst versions of myself

working on myself is tedious and uninteresting in the moment but it feels good to be able to talk about it in the present tense (the mantra whenever i'm doing something good for the bigger picture and not just the immediate rush)

i have always had a very ambivalent attitude towards linear time.

my most important relationships are ones that linear time has almost no baring on - when we haven't seen each other in eons but we immediately find our familiar rhythm, when our love for each other bridges an intentional gap in communication, when our relationship does not need a calendar anniversary, when we did not click in the past but have reconnected in the present, when we've orbited each other online before making the first couple moves.

often my personal relationship with time feels frayed - from the time that i hit puberty til i was out of college, i was told i looked older than i was (in a well-meaning but often incredulous way). then from the time i was out of college til when i turned 30 this past year, i was told i looked younger than i was (in exactly the same tone as being told i looked older). now, people tell me i look exactly as old as i am, and it's a very strange thing to hear haha. i don't feel any different than when i was 12, except now i've had a bunch of experiences that i never have to do for the first time again, and what a relief to gain wisdom, tho what a struggle it has been to survive myself in the process!!!

it's simply hard for me to notice when time passes. it's recently become evident to me that my body is changing for the worse - what i used to just write off as chronic pain that i couldn't do anything about is actually probably regular pain that i can do something about (i'm talking specifically of muscle and joint soreness that isn't aligned with the chronic nerve pain i've historically experienced). my new tattoos with their sharp lines stand out in stark contrast to my old(er) faded ones. any memories that have survived the garbage compactor of my mind are equally as viscereal whether they happened within the last week or the last decade.

a couple months ago (??? truly who knows how long it was, certainly not me) i went to a co-counselling session for the first time, on the invitation of a dear friend. the experience felt both profound and unserious. i was able to talk to a woman who was at least twice my age and she told me that one one of the most important things to remember as one ages, is to practice standing on one foot to improve and maintain balance. and i have tried to take it to heart (haha).

all of which is to say - WOW ! over halfway through the month of Blaugust ! :-) thank g_d i've (halfway) done it

today i did a bunch of chores, continued the rut(? maybe not the right word) i've been in reading articles and posts by and about nonbinary people with top surgery, brewed a pitcher of raspberry black tea (when it's cooled down it can be iced!), ate fun food, made plans for this upcoming week, showered to feel less sweaty and then felt sweaty immediately afterwards anyway, and cooed at my cats

feeling better, did some chores, showered, cuddled with the cats, hung out with loved ones both URL and IRL

definitely sick :-( i took a Metrix COVID test and a Flu A+B rapid test and they were all negative - that's good, but frustrating on a personal note that there isn't a Reason i feel sick, yakno? (it's probably a sinus infection) however i did do laundry after getting Sudafed! (the good shit that they make you show your ID for haha)

starting to feel sick :-(

today i went grocery shopping at somewhere i don't normally go and got a bunch of novelty things i wouldn't normally have thought to look for!

today i read a whole book in 12ish hours - Kindred by Olivia Butler. i used to read whole books in a day all the time when i was a kid and had nothing else to do, so i'm hype on myself that i can still do it as an adult even on a day when i had other things to do as well. sometimes when i feel a flicker of being proud of myself, i remember every despicable thing i've done to others in the past, and i feel like i shouldn't be proud of myself, because i've hurt people and i don't deserve it. i know that feeling is selfish in its self-deprication tho, so i'm trying to acknowledge it and then move on from it. anyway this book was amazing and you should read it too! (the tv show based on it is also really good - i binge watched it this past Saturday and that's what inspired me to read the book)

today i got to hang out with my friends :-)

went to P&P and stayed long enough to hear the bartender's infamous closing spiel

today i got to do some of my favorite things - give a surprise gift, wear dirtbag punk clothes to a fancy restaurant, and tip at least 50%

lost most of the day to a barometric pressure migraine but still schlepped to therapy in the wet air (and i felt like it was a pretty good session) // also finally read Hot Allostatic Load (and it was exactly what i needed to read right now and not a moment too soon)

today i pissed in a stranger's yard, an activity of pure desperation that always makes me feel like a feral animal

recently bought a gym membership and while giving me a tour, the designated employee was so quick to say "if you don't feel comfortable with the gendered locker rooms you can ask for the family bathroom door code" / i don't really have an accurate perception of how i look other than how people describe me so it's really interesting to see myself through strangers' eyes / i tried to write about my gender for this post a couple times and couldn't come up with anything that felt right, so instead i'll share something else said about my gender + presentation that resonated with me : "i would not feel confident guessing what binary gender you were born as"

bike stolen >:+(

today i went to see the filmed theatrical production of Hadestown and cried so hard that i had to throw my mask out (don't worry i brought an extra) and then played board games in the park

hello, world! my name is bird - they/them pronouns only plz, unless you're being silly in which case she/him or he/her is gewd tew ! i'm fine with all gendered terms and i switch between gendered honorifix depending on my mood.

i've been attempting to participate in blaugust for what feels like my whole life! maybe it's not my year, but it's gonna be my month ??? so far my only goal is to write something every day no matter how short or half cooked it is - but also i'm allowed to cheat and go back and edit things and marinate and not write it down until the next day or even a couple days later hehehehehehehehe

i live on the east coast of the so-called united states of amerikkka. i'm white and jew-ish (on my father's side). i'm an anti-capitalist and i have 4 cats of varying names and personalities. i am passionate about prison abolition and the smell of the ocean. i have a lot of body modifications including a double mastectomy! i recently turned 30 and decided i'm gonna do everything i've always wanted to do, so i've been taking kickboxing and screen-printing classes.

stay tuned for more, i guess, until i next forget - !

the utter freedom of not caring how i sound when i sing

today i went to a Mariposas Galácticas gig and danced and sweat and sweat and danced and sat / ate / smoked by the river and put the dishes away

topless on the beach almost 10 years after top surgery

i want to be pawed at like an animal / split open like a question. i pull my hand out of the wall. i hate my body most when it's being touched. i ask for what i want and i get it / no one dare denies my no.

today i biked in the rain

today i went to a live techno gig (Ishtar Sr + Anne Helen Wells) splayed beneath foliage and stars and nuzzled against the train tracks

today i woke up at 04:30AM to shower before work and read Who Is Like God by Akwaeke Emezi on the bus

today i participated in a pizza eating contest (the only other food eating contest i've been in was a whipped pie eating contest when i was a senior in high school)

last week i went to a concert (06.30), papier mâchéd (07.01), took a queer masked kettlebell class (07.02), went to the beach (07.03), and ate pizza for breakfast (07.04) // today i took a shower, gave the cat its medicine, did my laundry, did the dishes, did a plank, juiced lemons, drank water, and maybe even more things that i haven't done yet!

turned 30 today ! feeling both a subtle difference and exactly the same. will report back later.